~BrethilArien

Yesterday I told my mother that I never wanted to speak to her again. A part of me meant it, and a part of me didn't. I'll miss her. She IS my mother...

But I took all of my stuff out of the basement and told her to toss anything I left. I gave back the Acme gift card she gave me and I told her not to call me anymore. I don't really know how she took my news- she made no move to stop me.

For those who need to know, and for those who already know, we had a fight about my sister. Or I should say, it started out about my sister. The why doesn't matter, what matters is what my mother said to me in that small span of time.

After it was over, I drove home and cried for about an hour because after it was all over, I realized that I really couldn't do it anymore. I have been letting her hurt me for 23 years, stepping aside and taking the blows instead of sticking up for myself, because I thought she would one day realize that I was trying to make things easier on her. I was trying to tell her that I understood how angry she was all the time and how much pressure there was on her as a single mom and angry/depressed woman. I thought that by trying to be as undemanding as possible, as easy-going as possible, one day perhaps she would reward me and realize that I loved her in spite of all the crap she put me through.

I know part of my plan worked. I know she realized what I was doing even though she didn't understand why. She once said to me "You never tell me what you want. You never speak up."

Two days ago, in the middle of our fight, she says to me- and I quote- "My mother never gave me anything, and I gave my children EVERYTHING!"

I refuse to have her hurt me anymore. I refuse to be punished my whole life for something her mother (my dead grandmother) did to her. She can't fix it anymore and it's making her crazy. She lost her chance and I'm not giving her another to take it out on me.

And I refuse to punish myself anymore for her.

One of the things she said to me all the time, in various ways, as I was growing up was that all the shit that has ever happened to me, I brought it all on myself. My choices are my own. That's partially correct. I understand that was my own choice to let my younger siblings have the spotlight and take as much attention they could get before I felt myself beginning to starve and finally had to take some of my own.

But a big part of a parent's job is to try and correct mistakes that their children make. She never reached out over the others to pat my head or take my hand. Whether or not this was because she was taking my gift or was too overwhelmed to notice, I'll never know, and frankly, I'm probably better off not knowing.

Basically she gave me the game of Life, hid the instruction manual and told me to play. She punished me for breaking the rules and told me over and over that I wasn't playing correctly.

This is both of our faults. At the core of this, I'm no longer speaking to her because I want to be the independant child that she wants me to be. I can't if I'm always waiting for the things she never gave me. I'll always be waiting in some ways, I guess. But this will give me a chance to realize fully that if she always made me do stuff on my own, then I never needed her, and I still don't.

As for her, I don't know what she'll learn from this. I don't even know if she truly thinks that I'm at all serious. I've always been her most loyal child. I've warned her many times that the choices she makes can drive a wedge between her and her kids, especially my sister Denise, who is the most like her. My mother has always been completely glued to the idea that her children would never leave her.

My biggest problem at the moment is all the stuff that I still have left at her house. DVDs, a few CDs and I realized last night that alot- well all- of my mail goes to her house still, and I need the change of address forms that I get with them. Which means I have to go back. Hopefully for the last time.

As for Denise, who inadvertantly started the fight- I don't know. I'm taking a break from her. A point that my mother made was that I'm an enabler to her, which is partially true. I do give her someone to escape to. I'm just afraid that by going, I'll have abandoned her. She needs to stand on her own feet and I can't teach her how. So for right now, I'm honoring my mother's last request and "Staying out of it."

Deni, call me when you get your driver's license...

edit: dammit, i can't get my damn mood to change... the emoticon thingy, not my actual mood...